Dear Penina,

I really enjoy your column, and I hope you can help me. I have a very difficult question, and I fear there’s no good answer. My relationship with my younger brother has been tenuous for years, since our parents’ messy divorce. He has mental health issues and refuses to get help. As a result, our relationship is very strained. He’s angry, unstable and unpredictable, and he hurt my sister and me a great deal over the years. We have had on-and-off contact, depending on his mental state—unfortunately, it’s more off than on. I have gotten help and accepted this painful reality with the support of my friends and family.

However, my son’s bar mitzvah weekend is approaching, and I don’t know what to do. All of the festivities are over Shabbos and it’s really a lot to have him come for the whole Shabbos. One option is not to invite him, but I fear his wrath and badmouthing me—we don’t live in the same community, but we send [our children] to the same schools and have some common friends. Another option is to invite him, but I fear he’ll make a scene, interfere with the simcha or force me to walk on eggshells the entire Shabbos, taking away my focus from my son. Should I tell him he can’t come because of his behavior? Should I ask my son if he wants him there? I have gone over this in my head and discussed it with others, but I still can’t find a solution that works for me. Please help me.

Thanks,
Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused,

I feel for you. This situation is anxiety-provoking and extremely challenging at a time when you want to enjoy this milestone. Without knowing your brother’s diagnosis or action tendencies, I’ll do my best to guide you. I don’t think it’s necessary to ask your son to decide, as this is really your decision. I appreciate your concern for including him, and you can certainly explain your decision to him. I understand that no option is ideal, and you may need to weigh which one will cause you the least anxiety.

Let’s go through your options. The best way to handle this, if time and willingness is on your side, is to go to family therapy with him. You can bring up these issues with him in a safe space with a professional to guide you through this. This option will not only help you deal with the bar mitzvah, but importantly, help you deal with the broader issue that seems to be weighing on you constantly and can help with future occasions as well. This, of course, would require his participation, and if he’s not willing to participate, this isn’t an option.

I realize that with these situations, the aggressor is often unwilling to get help or mediation. However, sometimes when that person hits a rock bottom or certain life events come up they may be more willing than in the past. In order to have the best outcome, you will need professional guidance on how to broach the topic, and finding the right therapist is very important. There are great referral organizations to help with this. My private practice is dedicated to couples and families trying to repair relationships. One strategy that I use in a situation like this would be for me to meet with you and your brother separately first. This levels the playing field and would help him get comfortable with me as well before we meet together. This is why the therapist that you choose is crucial.

If therapy isn’t an option and you don’t invite him, you know he’ll be very upset, but you’re unsure how he’ll react. Consider what he’s capable of and whether you’re willing to risk those possibilities. If you can live with the consequences, you will be able to enjoy the simcha without worrying about his behaviors and actions. You may want to consider therapy to help you manage the anxiety of not inviting him and the potential consequences.

If therapy isn’t an option and you’re not willing to risk the repercussions of not inviting him, another possibility would be to invite him to a meeting with him and a friend, family member or rav that you both respect to discuss your feelings and fears with him about the simcha and to set some boundaries. This can be a chance for you to hear each other out and set yourself up for an easier situation when including him.

I would also strongly recommend assigning a “bodyguard”—someone aware of the situation who can watch him or handle any issues that arise. This could be a friend, relative or someone close to both of you.

Whichever option you choose, you don’t have to go through this alone. I would suggest finding a skilled family therapist to consult with when these issues and difficult feelings come up in general.

I hope these ideas have helped you analyze your options with more clarity. I trust that you’ll choose the option that works best for your family. I wish you a wonderful bar mitzvah celebration filled with pure joy and without pain. Mazel tov! May your children bring you much nachas.

Sincerely,
Penina

Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at [email protected].